written in approximately 2000 - unedited
Sitting there was like becoming a statue. I had been warm and I had been leaning into him, feeling our bodies mold against one another. Suddenly I became intensely aware that my entire body was cold. I could feel the warm air, just portions of inches away from my skin, but not able to touch me. My limbs, my head, my eyes were all positioned so definitely and purposefully. I was no longer laying with him, I was as though placed upon him. The cold was intense, but I did not shiver, for it was simply an adjective and not an effect. There was understanding and yet no feeling save his hands. Two hands palm down, laying next to each other, perfectly rounded over my right leg, touching the skin, making me feel as though that were the only part of my body that were alive. And I could feel his eyes drift toward me and stay there. I fixated on the gold of the couch, the blue skirt of the chair. The lights became so obviously bright. There were so many lights on, and yet no-one else was awake, there was no reason for such illumination. Perhaps it came from the conversation, exposing too much. A little too unkind and yet so unintentional, like the light. He was watching me and all I could do was think about furniture. He was telling me his feelings, asking me to feel and all I could do was squint at the choice of lighting. I can not remember breathing. I can picture each fold on the arm of the couch, the stain that runs down into the cushions, the buttons of which some are exposed and some are shockingly hidden... and yet I can not remember how I breathed, or whether I breathed at all. And then it was over. Jarringly so. It was the end and I was leaving and there was no more talking and I was out the door, with my purse, my shoes, my book, my face. And I had watched him while he talked, but I did not look at him so well as I left. For then it was over. It had all played around me, as it always does and then it ends without offering any apologies. And the cold air outside bit my skin and I didn't shake. Not as I walked away with my back towards his eyes. Not when the lights of the apartment shut off as I walked past. Not when I could see him in his bedroom window which I did not look up to. No, not until I was in the car and the door was shut, and the windows, all fogged over, hid me from any possibility of being seen, and then my body was racked with convulsions. I could not stop shaking and my breath was ragged. How strange to want to be a part of someone so much and still show them nothing. Perhaps this time will be different. It is never different. I am not the first, and I will never be the last, either. I am a point in time, an aspect of life, a phase needed to be gone through. But it's still over. The whole world has ended one more time.
Monday, February 04, 2008
The A B C's of Cassia's Trip to Tucson
An oldie, but a goodie!
A is for Ashland, where we stopped to find out what was wrong with the car. First the guy thought it was the Alternator
B is for Bearings, which was the mechanic's second guess at what was causing the Burning smell
C is for Compressor, because that's what the problem really was. We opted not to fix it and Continued on
D is for Dinner, for my dad and I had a Delicious Dinner in Springfield at my grandmother's house. D is also for Deflated tire, which occurred the next morning when my dad tried to get other people to look at the car (they wouldn't)
E is for Employees on strike. As we neared St. Louis, we thought we could stop somewhere there. Calling around unearthed that every single Volkswagen mechanic was on strike due to a labor dispute
F is for Furious, which is how I felt as I spoke with members of my sorority and discovered that they had ignored several of my explicit instructions, one of which was to not use Freeze Frame for the composite photograph
G is for the Gas Station where my car Gave up. We stopped to Grab some food and water... Guess what? Car wouldn't re-start
H is for the Hour we had to backtrack to go to the one dealership where there was one mechanic that knew Volkswagens
I is for the Isuzu-Nissan dealer where we spent the next hour waiting for...
J Jim Palmer, the mechanic who said, "yes, there is something wrong with your car, and we don't have time to fix it today or tomorrow, but we can order the part and have it here before noon tomorrow if you want someone else to put it in". J is also for Joe Tacco, who was a salesman at the dealership, and overheard this craziness. He didn't think the answer we had been given was good enough, so he went upstairs and complained to the manager. The manager called down to the mechanic and told them to fit us in the next day
K is for Kara who called to tell me she was looking at a job at an engagement ring store
L is for Left side, as in, the only part of my body that got a VERY bad sunburn due to poor planning and driving in one direction
M is for Margaritas that my dad and I drank in St. Louis while lamenting the Mess of my car. M is also for the EXCELLENT Mexican food we ate there
N is for New Mexico, which is where I saw Dr. Seuss trees. Seriously, I think I discovered the inspiration for those crazy trees he drew
O is for Oklahoma, where my dad left the gas tank cap
P is for Procrastination, which is what I did about buying and sending Postcards... there is a reason the pool won't be seeing any from me this year
Q is for Quantitate. As in, you cannot Quantitate the miles driven on this trip because the odomoter and trip meter are both broken
R is for Route 66, because that's the song that was in my head the ENTIRE time. Cities in the song that I actually saw? St. Louis, Joplin, Oklahoma City, Amarillo, Gallup, Tucumcari
S is for Santa Rosa, where we ran into two Delts whose car (from Illinois) had broken down, and where they would be Stuck for the next three days
T is for Toe ring, because I got a really pretty one on the trip. T is also for Tatsu, a restaurant in Las Cruces where my dad and I really wanted to eat, but weren't able to, due to the abridged itinerary
U is for the Upside of all this... oh, no wait. There wasn't one
V is for Volkswagen. I love my car. Really, I do. But I'm never buying another Volkswagen in my life
W is for Water. My dad and I each consumed an average of three Dasani Waters per day. It's really very addicting
X is for X-PENSIVE (I had to take a little liberty here) because my car has cost me, in repairs, something like three times what I originally paid
Y is for Yawn. It's really all I did the whole time
Z is for Zero. Which is the amount of swimsuits that I bought while en route to Tucson!!! (aren't you proud?) (oh, for those of you who wanted me to count my swimsuits... the official count for Cleve and Tucson stands at 39)
A is for Ashland, where we stopped to find out what was wrong with the car. First the guy thought it was the Alternator
B is for Bearings, which was the mechanic's second guess at what was causing the Burning smell
C is for Compressor, because that's what the problem really was. We opted not to fix it and Continued on
D is for Dinner, for my dad and I had a Delicious Dinner in Springfield at my grandmother's house. D is also for Deflated tire, which occurred the next morning when my dad tried to get other people to look at the car (they wouldn't)
E is for Employees on strike. As we neared St. Louis, we thought we could stop somewhere there. Calling around unearthed that every single Volkswagen mechanic was on strike due to a labor dispute
F is for Furious, which is how I felt as I spoke with members of my sorority and discovered that they had ignored several of my explicit instructions, one of which was to not use Freeze Frame for the composite photograph
G is for the Gas Station where my car Gave up. We stopped to Grab some food and water... Guess what? Car wouldn't re-start
H is for the Hour we had to backtrack to go to the one dealership where there was one mechanic that knew Volkswagens
I is for the Isuzu-Nissan dealer where we spent the next hour waiting for...
J Jim Palmer, the mechanic who said, "yes, there is something wrong with your car, and we don't have time to fix it today or tomorrow, but we can order the part and have it here before noon tomorrow if you want someone else to put it in". J is also for Joe Tacco, who was a salesman at the dealership, and overheard this craziness. He didn't think the answer we had been given was good enough, so he went upstairs and complained to the manager. The manager called down to the mechanic and told them to fit us in the next day
K is for Kara who called to tell me she was looking at a job at an engagement ring store
L is for Left side, as in, the only part of my body that got a VERY bad sunburn due to poor planning and driving in one direction
M is for Margaritas that my dad and I drank in St. Louis while lamenting the Mess of my car. M is also for the EXCELLENT Mexican food we ate there
N is for New Mexico, which is where I saw Dr. Seuss trees. Seriously, I think I discovered the inspiration for those crazy trees he drew
O is for Oklahoma, where my dad left the gas tank cap
P is for Procrastination, which is what I did about buying and sending Postcards... there is a reason the pool won't be seeing any from me this year
Q is for Quantitate. As in, you cannot Quantitate the miles driven on this trip because the odomoter and trip meter are both broken
R is for Route 66, because that's the song that was in my head the ENTIRE time. Cities in the song that I actually saw? St. Louis, Joplin, Oklahoma City, Amarillo, Gallup, Tucumcari
S is for Santa Rosa, where we ran into two Delts whose car (from Illinois) had broken down, and where they would be Stuck for the next three days
T is for Toe ring, because I got a really pretty one on the trip. T is also for Tatsu, a restaurant in Las Cruces where my dad and I really wanted to eat, but weren't able to, due to the abridged itinerary
U is for the Upside of all this... oh, no wait. There wasn't one
V is for Volkswagen. I love my car. Really, I do. But I'm never buying another Volkswagen in my life
W is for Water. My dad and I each consumed an average of three Dasani Waters per day. It's really very addicting
X is for X-PENSIVE (I had to take a little liberty here) because my car has cost me, in repairs, something like three times what I originally paid
Y is for Yawn. It's really all I did the whole time
Z is for Zero. Which is the amount of swimsuits that I bought while en route to Tucson!!! (aren't you proud?) (oh, for those of you who wanted me to count my swimsuits... the official count for Cleve and Tucson stands at 39)
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